Which piece is my piece?

I'm in a reflective...sorta, well, questionable mood. Which is why I'm writing this. I found a childhood friend of mine on facebook. He wasn't just any friend, he was my best friend. It's been so long since I've seen this person I can't even begin to guess how long it's been. Long enough that we don't know anything about each other. I was looking over his profile and from the looks of things he is doing all the things that we dreamed about as kids. His job, hobbies- everything this person does...It's everything I saw myself doing and wanting to be as a kid. That is until I moved to Utah. (Up front I need to make this clear- I'm not bashing Utah in anyway or form. I love it here, this is my home.)

When I moved here I was in shell shock. I remember standing in front of the class being introduced. They looked at me and I looked at them like we were from two TOTALLY different worlds. It seems funny to think of it now; with the media and internet we are much more connected as a world than we were 20 years ago. They way I dressed, talked, things I was into- I didn't have a thing in common with anyone. Even at recess, the most popular thing to play at recess in CA was Soc-out. No one ever heard of it. I was lost, for a long time. My mother tried to dress me more like the other kids so I would fit in (and because you couldn't buy floresent and tie-dyed clothes here) I shuffled between different friends for awhile. I felt like I was always on good behavior, not ever able to be completely myself because no one understood where I was coming from. No one cared about the SF Giants, no one cared about the beach, no one wore converse shoes! Everyone was in polo shirts and bows and everyone seemed to be related to someone else. The first year of moving here is a great big blur. I only remember bits and pieces, probabley because I was convinced I wasn't staying here. This wasn't my home. I was from Los Altos. That's where I had friends and family who understood me. I wrote letters back and forth with a few of my friends form California. They would frequently ask me when I was moving back. I never knew how to answer.

A little over year after I moved here I met a girl who became my best friend and I'm grateful to say we are still best friends to this day. We were both lost, looking for someone to confide in. Everything seemed to fall into place quite quickly. I was finally able to show her all the things I loved and completely be myself. And though she wasn't able to relate to everything, she excepted it and didn't think I was weird because of it. (I'm sure this all sounds really trivial, but when your 8, it's a big deal) Now that I had a connection to my new home I had begun to cling onto both worlds: Salt Lake and Los Altos. But you can only hold onto both for so long. It wasn't until I went back to Los Altos to visit when I was in Jr. High that I realized that life had gone on without me. Though most things were the same, enough had changed that it made me feel like an outsider again. This was supposed to be my home and yet that feeling I got when I moved to Utah came back...only this time it came when I was where I thought I belonged. It was at that moment I realized I was not a Californian anymore, I was a Utahn (though I still would not have admitted it) But what did that mean to me? I still didn't feel like I had any roots there. Most of my family was still in CA. For the next few years I had begun on a quest to find meaning in the place in which I had only be residing. I felt as though in order to do that I had to cut the string I had attatched to my old home. When we went on trips and someone asked where we were from I stopped giving my long answer of, "Well, I'm originally from the Bay Area.." and simply answered, "Salt Lake".

When I was in my junior year in high school my dad began to think out loud about moving again. That familiar wave a panic that I had forgotten shot through me. Wait a minute- Panic? I was stunned. I had rooted myself and not even known it. I had grown into my home. I fit. I was a part of the big picture and it happened so gradually I hadn't even noticed.

I am happy to say I'm a Utahn. I've had lots of growth and fun here. I've made many friends. I've married and have begun to raise my own children. I've found a personal connection with the ancestry of the Utah pioneers. I feel that this is my home. Which brings me back to my first paragraph. While looking over the picture of my old friends life, I felt something tear inside of me. That girl that moved away 19 years ago is still inside me and I began to question- What happened? All those things I wanted to do, to see? The life I had visualized as a kid? A piece of me still wants that. How do you choose between you're dreams (especially when your dreams have to coinside with that of a spouse) Look to the future right? Look to the future and not to the past. Only I learn a lot from the past, so I have a hard time not looking back.

Here's another thing. Ever since I've been married I realized that I am the type of person that struggles with change. Not all change just big change. Like moving. My husband has always said he wants to move somewhere new, out of state. He wants a new landscape, new people, new experience. I have struggled with this our whole marriage. But only for one reason. I don't know how to leave my family- especially my parents. They have been the constant my entire life. But then their is the other half of me that is screaming for adventure! I want the exact same thing my husband wants-NEW! I witness many who grow up in an area and then settle and raise their kids, sometimes in the same neighborhood they grew up in. I know I do not want to do that. I don't want to live in the same place my entire life. I want to move around and experience as much as I can. Only I don't know how to start. AND NOW there is this new piece of me that wants to move back to the bay area and reclaim the life that was once mine! Believe me this has been a prayerful battle for a while now- and in someways I feel as though Heavenly Father is trying to stretch me, prepare me for the future. Because their is nothing that I hate more that knowing I am handicapping myself, holding myself back because of lack of faith in myself.

So now that that is out in the open- here is what I want from you. I need some comments. What do YOU think? Does any of this strike home for you? I am hoping some great insight will come from those I love. I learn best from others- So tell me.

Bye, bye baby

My baby turned a year old yesterday. I can't believe it's been a year already! Time just flew by! It didn't fly by with my first...if time continues to speed up with each child they are going to be going to college before I can pack their lunches!

I know Dorothy won't remember her first birthday, but it's important to me that the day is fun and special for her. I also stressed out over what to buy her. We went to almost every toy store around so she could test what toys she would like. I fussed over her presents for about a month. Which is a pretty normal time frame for me. Needless to say, I about drive myself crazy when birthdays come around. I just want people to feel special on their birthdays.



In the morning I took both the girls to a free Gymboree class. When we got their Jackie and Dorothy reversed their rolls. Jackie was climbing and running all over the place, I could hardly keep my eyes on her and Dorothy wouldn't let me move more than 6 inches away from her. But we still had fun. Jackie enjoyed playing on the monkey bars the best while Dorothy was fascinated with bubble time. The bubble they have are really cool. The longer they are in the air the harder the bubble becomes. So when the bubbles hit the floor they don't pop. This gave Dot ample time to crawl around and pop them. We also played with a giant parachute. The girls got to climb on top while we shook it then underneath. They both really enjoyed it.

After I dragged Jackie out of Gymboree I took the girls to McDonalds for a happy meal and some more play time. Jackie was thrilled to find a Spiderman toy in her happy meal. she somehow has become a HUGE spiderman fan, though she's never watched Spiderman. I don't know where she even learned about him. Still trying to piece that one together. Dorothy had a well balanced meal of french fries and more french fries along with a few licks of ice cream. (Only on her birthday would this happen!) Jackie struggled with sitting and eating all of her lunch before going to play. I was insistant that she finish her hamburger before she went- not really sure what the reasoning was behind that one seeing that I didn't take them their for a nutritional experience. Just trying to be consistant I guess! After McDonald's we went to pick up Grammie who had been taking care of Arlene's mother all morning. Pappy brought Dorothy's present inside so she could open it. Dorothy wasn't really interested yet, but Jackie was. After a few minutes without supervision Jackie came in with Dorothy's Present unwrapped and announced that she need help getting the present out of the box for Dorothy. Jackie never would admit that she opened the present- But I have my suspicions.














In the afternoon. We (my parents and I- Pappy was our driver all day since I was without a car) went to see Pop and Nana at the Rehabilitation Center Nan is currently staying at. We wanted them to be able to watch Dorothy open her presents from them. She got a train made out of stacking blocks. She played with it a long time. After a while Pop wanted to tke everyone out to dinner. So we said goodbye to Nan and met Jim at the Sizzler. I think this was Dorothy's favorite part of the day. I kept giving her things from the salad bar in different bowls, plates and mugs. She was having so much fun she danced in her seat while she ate.

Before bed We had Dorothy open her presents from us. she really got pretty good at ripping the paper. The girls played with all the new toys for a little while before it was time to go to bed. I think everyone had a fun day. It's too bad we can't have a birthday everyday!

I'm a soccer Mom?! How the heck did that happen?

I can't believe it! Jackie is big enough to play soccer! Jackie is on a county indoor soccer team called the Sharks. Jackie wants to go to school soooo bad so I made a deal with her that if she would learn to go potty she could take a class. (Bribing your kid with education- does it get any better than that?). Jackie is now fully potty trained and announces to everyone that she is a big girl and wears Clifford underwear (Once I finally got her to stop showing it to people) and now plays soccer. Jackie was so excited for her first day. She asked about it everyday for about two weeks until the big day came. She has a really good friend, Charlie Marsh, who is on her team with her. The two of them took turns being shy. When one was apprehensive the other was taking charge and visa versa. When we arrive we met her coach and received a yellow and blue reversible soccer jersy to keep. Jackie has wanted to wear it everyday along with her soccer socks and shin gaurds. I remember those days!



Game 1:
Jackie was so excited for her first game...until we got there. She ran around with the team and played for about 5 minutes before she got completely overwhelmed. She was pretty sad her friend Charlie wasn't there. He had been her security blanket. But the poor kid was home with croup. So the coach held her hand and ran with her for a little while until that wasn't even enough. Pappy went out and ran around with her for a little while too until that wasn't good enough either. We tried goalie, but in the end it was all tears and sobs. All she wanted to do was sit in time out until it was time to give everyone the treats she brought in her purse. When it was all over she was so excited and told everyone for days about her awesome soccer game.

Game 2:
Charlie was back and Jackie was excited about it. I had taken Jackie to the community rec center earlier in the week and practiced with her so she would be more comfortable. I'm happy to say it worked...well, at least for a little while. Jackie was geared up ready to go and was running around with the rest of the kids until she realized her buddy Charlie was having trouble. He was in stage 1, the stage we went through last week. It must have brought back HORRIBLEY PAINFUL flashbacks (yes I'm being sarcastic) Because Jackie decided to go into the fetal position on my lap again. Arg. With much persuasion we got her back out there- but only if Jim or Pappy held her hand. It's a good thing I didn't have to pay per player, because I would be scrapping for pennies! At least she still has fun talking about it.

Game 3:
Both kids progressed to the understanding that soccer is fun to play! Matt Marsh and I graduated to being able to stand on the sidelines mid field. The kids felt much better about us being at closer range and made sure they stopped to give us high five EVERY time they ran by. If either one of the actually kicked the ball, they would stop almost mid kick and run to give us 10 high fives with a side of bones and rock-ons. Hey, at least they were enjoying themselves. Jackie even made a goal. Not on purpose, but it still counts!

Game 4:
We are officially professional soccer parents. We have gone through the refiners fire of preparation and are now proud parents of a soccer player would actually plays soccer! When we arrived Jackie threw off her coat and went and joined the other kids in huddle without any pep talk. It was the other teams huddle, but still. She our little spy-in-training. Jackie and Charlie ran all over chasing the ball. They of course stopped for hug breaks now and then and Charlie kept running head first into the nets but all and all it was a very successful game. I'm not sure however if the enjoy the game the best or the treats that follow the game. they got Chips Ahoy cookies this week, which Jackie ate and loved. I think she is beginning to understand what a blessing chocolate really is in this life.

Sundance Interview

My sister found the link to the interview from Sundance. Turns out they used me afterall! It's the clip titled "One thing you do". I'm the very first person featured.
http://earthkeeper.com/blog/tag/sundance-2009/

Maybe I should be getting payed for this...

It seems there is a pattern forming here and I'm not quite sure what to think about it. A few weekends ago my sister Jessica and I took my cousin Megan up to Park City. She was in town for my Aunt's funeral and really wanted to hit her favorite spot before returning back to Ohio. So on Saturday morning we packed up my sick and snuffling children (*I'm such a good mom) and drove up the canyon to Park City- or more specifically, Main Street. Megan was thrilled to find that Sundance was going on. She was secretly hoping she would see a star, but declared it wasn't a big deal. We walked down the top half of the strip while stopping in a few stores. Upon approaching the end of the street my children alerted me that they were done and would go to about any length to prove it. On our way back up the hill I was approached by a young woman who noticed I had a water bottle and wanted to know if I would trade her for hers?....Uhh, okay (*sicko?*) I must have given her quite a look because she took a step back and reexplained her intentions. She was with an organization called "Earthkeepers" sponsored by Timberland. They were here at sundance looking to recycle disposable water bottles. In exchange for my water bottle she would give me a new Nalogene bottle. Did someone say free stuff? I'm all about free stuff! I told her I would be happy to trade! She then asked if she could film it. I looked in the eyes of my pleading children. They were trying so hard to be good. As a mother I learned early that if you push your children too far, you will pay for it. I informed her of my children's condition and asked how long this is going to take. She assured me it would be quick, only a few minutes. Okay, sure, if it's only a few minutes. Before i knew it I was signing a consent form, getting hooked up with a mic and given instruction on what to do. I had to reenact being approached about the water bottle thing (Don't worry I didn't give the psycho look this time) The woman who approached me on film was Annabell Gurwitch. You might remember her from Dinner and a Movie which used to air on TNT. She has been in other things since, but I couldn't tell ya what. Annabell proceeded to ask me questions about the environment, recycling, politics, Sundance and Jackie's bear hat. She interviewed me for about 5 minutes. All while this was happening, unawares to me a crowd began to form around me. Jess and Megan afterwards informed me that people were gathering around me asking, "Who is that?!" "Do you know who that is?!" Several stargazers approached Megan and Jess and asked who I was. Once Jess responded, "That's my sister." The person then asked, "Who are you?!!" Megan later wished she had made something just to mess with people like, "Don't you know who that is?!!....She's a big star from..." or "Don't you recognize her? That's Sarah Palion!" The clip is supposed to be on there website but we can't find it. I guess I wasn't GREEN enough for them. But we were in the newspaper! I figured out why I'm being filmed so much lately. It's my kids. Who wouldn't want to take a picture of that?! ;)

Deseret New Article: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,705278961,00.html
EarthKeepers: http://earthkeeper.com/blog/tag/sundance-film-festival/

Love Pulls You Through

This last Friday (the 9Th) my entire family got together for one last hurrah before my sister-in-law and here daughters flew home to Canada. My younger brother brought home his new sweetheart so she could mingle with the family. It was a night to be filled with games and laughter and for the most part it was.
At about 10 o'clock Jim and I were downstairs looking for a rule book for cards when we suddenly heard the thundering of something big falling. Jim and I jumped up to see if everything was okay. Crumpled at the bottom of the stairs we found my Aunt Jenny motionless. She was unresponsive and the color was already draining from her face. My sister was quickly by our sides checking for a pulse and breathing. We couldn't get Jenny to respond and she began to bleed from her ear. The boys quickly anointed and gave Jenny a blessing. After about 90 seconds Jenny began to come around, her color began to come back a little. She began rasping for air and was not completely coherent. She was able to communicate a few times through blinking before the paramedics arrived. We all watched hopeful as they carried Jenny away. We all knew the answer to the equation we just saw, but nobody wanted to believe it. (My Uncle Dave, his two sons Peter and Adam, My parents and My other Aunt Chrissy all followed the ambulance to the hospital)
Jim, my brother Michael, his girlfriend Elise and I all worked silently and steadfastly as we tried to remove the blood from the carpet. We were all processing, praying and pleading in our hearts that Jenny would be okay. I prayed that her mother and father would be with her and that her Savior would take this from her. I didn't realize that my prayer would be answered so soon. After a while my mother called from the hospital. It was bad news. Jenny had a few different options but none of them would truly save her. There was no recovery from this. Her head was fractured all over and her brain was swelling. The doctors implanted a gauge in her head to monitor the pressure. Following the procedure, once they got Jenny settled in the ICU my family would be able to see her two at a time. Half of my family waited in a waiting room in the hospital while the other half of us waited by the phone. Everyone was handling the situation differently. After a while Adam needed a break. He needed to disconnect from the stress of the picture for a while. Uncle Dave needed some time alone to think. Peter and Chrissy took a break and walked down to the coffee shop in the hospital for a change of scenery. Dave brought Adam home and was upon returning when the Doctors arrived. My Parents were the only ones present at the time, so they went in to see Jenny. They both held her hands and talked softly to her. Jenny was unconscious but my mother sensed that she was lingering. She told Jenny that it was okay. She could go. Everything would be okay. My dad sensed a smile from Jenny. Then the monitors began to beep. Jenny was leaving. My mother panicked, Dave wasn't hear yet! But he and Peter made it. They held her hands together. Dave leaned close to her while Peter whispered sweet things in her ear as she softly and peacefully slipped away. Jenny passed away sometime after 3 am. She was 51 years old and left behind and loving husband and two sons.
All night as I laid in my bed drifting in and out of sleep, I replayed the nights events unable to comprehend, to express what I felt or even how I should feel. My mother has been a beacon of love and joy and hope through this whole event. She is a rock. She so quickly is able to celebrate the joy which is now Jenny's. Jenny suffered a number of different immunal disorders including Lupus. She was chronically in pain and she had lost her eye sight 5 years earlier to glaucoma. She endured more than anyone I know and did it joyfully and full of faith. She was always happy, helpful and never complained. My mother expressed her happiness that now Jenny can see, she is no longer in pain and would no longer suffer and die slowly from the diseases attacking her body. She is having the reunion she longed for with her parents and is finally able to meet her older brother, Johnny. We sorrow because it was so sudden and we will miss her. We sorrow because Dave and her children will miss her. But she is not gone. Just absent for a season. As a family we have bound together and are lifting one another up. It's only been 24 hours and we have been able to already laugh and find joy in the love we share as a family. We will always miss Jenny, she will be with us always. She has left an impression on each of our hearts.
I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that I will see her and embrace her again. I know that she is happy and is with those who love her. I am so grateful that with each trial in my life I continually learn that love for one another and love and faith in Christ is the answer.

Christmas Sucks..you in

I don't know how it happens- but it happens every year. I haven't been able to buy Christmas presents for anyone in my extended family for years, well, since we've been married really. Mostly because we've always been in school. It was hard at first not being able to buy things for people but after awhile it became a great relief. I found I enjoyed Christmas better. I didn't have to worry over money or what I was going to buy everyone and most of all I didn't have to battle through the crowds and stress of shopping. I enjoyed detaching myself from the commercialism of Christmas. But I've found that Christmas gifts have a tendency to creep up on you and snowball. You see something for someone imparticular and think, "Oh! She would really love that" --Or someone asks you to go in on a gift- easy enough, the work is already done, right? WRONG! When you buy one gift the siren in your head goes off and you think, "Well, I can't get something for her and not something for him- but then that leaves out..." And before you know it your in knee deep and your buying presents for everyone under the sun! Don't get me wrong I love to give! I even love to buy--I think the thing that bugs me the most is that I can't give to everyone and I'd like to. And even more, the things I really like to give are usually things I make or put alot of time, thought and effort into- which I don't have alot of. I wish I could find a better way to better show my love than through things. I often wonder if my message of love and care is really portrayed through my gifts. So, in short- If you don't get anything from me this year. It's not because I don't love you. I do. Very much. If I was a poet I would write you a lyric that would express my every appreciation for you. But I'm not a poet, so you'll just have to take my word for it! Instead I will leave you with a christmas poem (I've been reading a lot of Shel Silverstien lately:

Christmas Dog
By, Shel Silverstien

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleepin' all cozy upstairs,
While I'm gaurdin' the stockin's and tree.

What's that now- footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard-
A big sack for robbin' the house?

I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.

Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again,
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I've gaurded the tree.